Category Archives: Potty Humor

Eminem Takes a Fresh Step

p-kitty

In entertainment news:

  • New Recording Artist P-Kitty and Eminem get ovation at Grammy’s

  • Fresh Step Cat Litter signs Eninem to an unprecedented million-dollar deal in their first celebrity endorsement ever

  • P-Kitty’s debut single, MeowMix is set to be released in April

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Footnote: I saw this cat in an ad for Fresh Step Cat Litter in People Magazine and couldn’t pass up using it, especially after finding a picture of Eminem in a near identical pose. Hope you enjoyed my moment of madness.
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Distressed

Remember the days when buying something new meant getting something virtually flawless. Whatever it was, the expectation was that it have no scratches, no dents, no snags or flaws; it would look brand new, not like someone else’s hand-me-downs. Things have changed, haven’t they? The distressed look is the new new (let that sink in for a second). We buy furniture with marks in the design, t-shirts that are faded, jeans with holes in them, and hair cuts that are sloppy. What’s next, underwear with stains already in them? In all seriousness though, distressed is in.

distressed-furniturepepsivintagedistressed-jeans2cuthcher-hair

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That’s good news for sinners like myself. It’s for our flaws that God gave a new covenant which involved His son being distressed so that we’d be made new. Wow! Christ is the new life. Who ever said the Lord is out of style?

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christ-distressed

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

~2 Corinthians 5:17~

Scratch N’ Sniff

Here is a poem that I quickly put together based on true events as told by a family member on Black Friday. The names have been left out to protect the innocent. Enjoy, it’s hilarious:

From travel, turkey, and all Thanksgiving tradition,
Too sleepy to stay up for the late news edition.
They scurry to bed without even a yawn,
To sleep until morning but wake before dawn.
After 40-plus years they know just the trick,
“We’ll ‘fondle’ each other till our eyelids get thick!”
She turns in the bed and he scratches her back,
With hopes to nod off, for it’s sleep that they lack.
The plan is not working, they’re still wide awake,
Then her butt made a sound I think in mistake.
A terror awaits while it creeps up the sheet,
The fragrance is foul and it’s not from her feet.
“The nerve!” he says as he crinkles his nose,
“I scratch your back and you let out one of those!”
She turns with a grin in under a blink,
With a funny response to explain the whole stink.
“You’ve known me for years; why, what did you expect?”
“I’m a ‘scratch n’ sniff model;’ now, rub my neck.”

That’s How We Roll

Just for the fun of it, I thought we’d take a poll of how you roll. Don’t laugh, this has been a source of contention in marriage for many years.

toilettissue

Voting Practice: Part 2

Doom and Gloom-sometimes it seems we just have no choice in the outlook. Anyone who has had the tv on (or doesn’t live in a bubble) is aware of the “pending doom” of the economic crisis or the comedic roast that the presidential campaign has become. The media has a way of turning any upside down. Actually, living in a bubble, or better yet bubble wrap, may not sound like such a bad prospect; maybe you’d feel more secure about the impact of “what’s to come” (and we’d all get a good laugh.) Rest assured, though, there are still certain things that you are in your control of (like your bladder, for example. The government hasn’t yet found a way to control or tax it-YET!) There are also those many daily decisions that we make on the fly without even realizing it. Here’s just a few that you can test yourself out on (for more, see Part 1):

Debate     or     Rebate

Taxi     or   Cab

American     or     Japanese (cars)

American     or     Japanese (food)

American     or     Swiss (cheese)

American Pie     or     American President (the movies)

Paper     or     Plastic (grocery bag)

Paper (Cash/Debit)     or     Plastic (Credit)

General     or     Plastic (surgery)

Soda     or     Pop

Pepsi     or     Coke

Splenda     or     Equal

Nature     or     Nurture

Mayonnaise     or     Miracle Whip

Hellman’s     or     Krafts (or Duke’s here in the South)

God     or     Satan

To be     or     Not to be

Black with white stripes     or     White with black stripes (zebras or referees)

Rain     or     Shine

sky is falling     or     sky’s the limit

I-Phone     or     Blackberry

Lip Balm     or     Lip Gloss

Jekyll     or     Hyde

#1     or     #2 (Gotta’ go?)

Pork Chop     or     Pork Barrel

Be sure to come back for the last and final Part of the saga . . .

The Toilet Connoisseur

WVU Freshman English. Instructor gives a writing assignment, “The Qualities of a Good [blank]”. Unsure of what to write, a floor mate in my dorm ( I think jokingly) suggests “toilets.” I was just goofy enough to take him seriously. Definitely original, I thought it was unique and original; my professor thought it was crap (pun intended)! **WARNING: Post does contain some potty humor that may be in poor taste for some.**

Have you ever sat on a toilet and had that not-so-fresh feeling? It’s like the feeling one gets when a bug flies into the mouth and is swallowed. It is a normal experience that happens to a lot of people, especially in public places. I personally prefer toilets different from those that cause one to gag. I refer to my preference as “the perfect john.” But what exactly is “the perfect john?”

“The perfect john” is made up of many distinct parts. These parts must have certain qualities in order to become one of the elite few. First, the toilet seat must be clean of all debris, for instance, a missing target. This is most important because our delicate skin must literally caress the seat’s surface. Next, the seat must be designed with the finest plastics so as to warm and soothe the underside. Third, the water in the bowl should be deep enough to dispel the very annoying and potent odor that most wastes usually emit. However, it should not be so deep that it splashes up when a transaction occurs (if you know what I mean). Also, the toilet bowl itself is required to have a shiny luster, one that you may see your reflection in. This helps to reveal both the commode’s cleanliness and the quality of the porcelain from which the toilet bowl was constructed. Finally, “the perfect john” must have the pressure to dispose of all the nasty waste material.

Not only is the quality of the toilet itself important, but we must consider the environment that the toilet is in too. Privacy plays a big role in where we decide to do our duties. Almost everyone’s biggest fear for unloading in a public place is that other people may be listening; you know what I am referring to . . . those sounds: the grunts and groans, and many other disgusting, but relieving sounds people make while moving their bowels (I’ll leave the rest up to imagination). In addition, the rest room is a quiet place to go for some people (not including one’s own routine sounds). Many people, like myself, enjoy reading a good magazine or newspaper article while relaxing on the “throne.” This is the working person’s only time to relax. Therefore, this short time that we have to ourselves is very crucial to most of us.

There is one thing, though, that you must heed: flooding. Overflowing can ruin a toilet (Yes, even “the perfect john”). This may be especially uninviting when one is barefooted. These can be identified by those that appear to be clogged with toilet paper. Avoid these irregular johns at all times.

Being a toilet connoisseur is something people do every day and don’t even realize it. This instinct we have is vital because without it we just wouldn’t be normal. We often take for granted the time that we spend in the bathroom. Be spontaneous — next time you walk by a toilet, stop and try it out. Ask yourself: “How does this toilet make me feel? What qualities does this toilet possess that appeal to me? How does this toilet differ from the ones that I’ve used in the past?” These are questions that go through our mind when we drive a different car so why not ask these questions when we use a different toilet. Whether it’s a car or a toilet, we are simply trying to avoid an accident. If you decide to take advantage of critiquing a commode, just remember to flush!

Cleanliness is Next to Godliness

Well, I don’t know if I can support this Biblically, but it sure is practical. Nurses often have the reputation of being clean freaks and this nurse is no different. For the second time in the last several months, I have witnessed fellow church volunteers use the bathroom and then walk out without washing their hands. GROSS!!!

No, I’m not some kind of bathroom monitor, but over a decade and half in health care makes it difficult not to notice. And sadly, I find it all too common. In fact, in a busy public restroom like at a movie theater or at a sports stadium, I have witnessed this several times within a matter of minutes. If you’re under the impression that I’m just referring to men, you’re wrong. Ask my wife about the woman at the movie theater who was biting her fingernails and eating popcorn afterwards.

Besides just being poor hygiene and a violation of the most basic infection control practices, this is just disgusting! I expect more out of human beings and even hold church volunteers/ministers to a higher level. If your going to be shaking hands, placing your hands on equipment, and loving on people in general, it is imperative that you wash your hands. Nobody wants your “private” life made public. Excellence in ministry goes beyond what you do when in plain sight of others. When your representing the Gospel, everything you do should reflect that responsibility, yes, even what you do behind closed doors.

Whether you’re of average Joe or Mother Teresa caliber, you are not exempt. Wash your hands after using the bathroom. Or at the very least, keep your hands to yourself.