The Toilet Connoisseur

WVU Freshman English. Instructor gives a writing assignment, “The Qualities of a Good [blank]”. Unsure of what to write, a floor mate in my dorm ( I think jokingly) suggests “toilets.” I was just goofy enough to take him seriously. Definitely original, I thought it was unique and original; my professor thought it was crap (pun intended)! **WARNING: Post does contain some potty humor that may be in poor taste for some.**

Have you ever sat on a toilet and had that not-so-fresh feeling? It’s like the feeling one gets when a bug flies into the mouth and is swallowed. It is a normal experience that happens to a lot of people, especially in public places. I personally prefer toilets different from those that cause one to gag. I refer to my preference as “the perfect john.” But what exactly is “the perfect john?”

“The perfect john” is made up of many distinct parts. These parts must have certain qualities in order to become one of the elite few. First, the toilet seat must be clean of all debris, for instance, a missing target. This is most important because our delicate skin must literally caress the seat’s surface. Next, the seat must be designed with the finest plastics so as to warm and soothe the underside. Third, the water in the bowl should be deep enough to dispel the very annoying and potent odor that most wastes usually emit. However, it should not be so deep that it splashes up when a transaction occurs (if you know what I mean). Also, the toilet bowl itself is required to have a shiny luster, one that you may see your reflection in. This helps to reveal both the commode’s cleanliness and the quality of the porcelain from which the toilet bowl was constructed. Finally, “the perfect john” must have the pressure to dispose of all the nasty waste material.

Not only is the quality of the toilet itself important, but we must consider the environment that the toilet is in too. Privacy plays a big role in where we decide to do our duties. Almost everyone’s biggest fear for unloading in a public place is that other people may be listening; you know what I am referring to . . . those sounds: the grunts and groans, and many other disgusting, but relieving sounds people make while moving their bowels (I’ll leave the rest up to imagination). In addition, the rest room is a quiet place to go for some people (not including one’s own routine sounds). Many people, like myself, enjoy reading a good magazine or newspaper article while relaxing on the “throne.” This is the working person’s only time to relax. Therefore, this short time that we have to ourselves is very crucial to most of us.

There is one thing, though, that you must heed: flooding. Overflowing can ruin a toilet (Yes, even “the perfect john”). This may be especially uninviting when one is barefooted. These can be identified by those that appear to be clogged with toilet paper. Avoid these irregular johns at all times.

Being a toilet connoisseur is something people do every day and don’t even realize it. This instinct we have is vital because without it we just wouldn’t be normal. We often take for granted the time that we spend in the bathroom. Be spontaneous — next time you walk by a toilet, stop and try it out. Ask yourself: “How does this toilet make me feel? What qualities does this toilet possess that appeal to me? How does this toilet differ from the ones that I’ve used in the past?” These are questions that go through our mind when we drive a different car so why not ask these questions when we use a different toilet. Whether it’s a car or a toilet, we are simply trying to avoid an accident. If you decide to take advantage of critiquing a commode, just remember to flush!

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